i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
