Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
