Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
