I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
