Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
