He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
