drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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