The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
