Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's blow job season.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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