i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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