I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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