Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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