He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song