My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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