Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
