You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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