Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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