I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
