When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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