my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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