if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
