just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
