Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
