My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
