i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
