Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
