My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
