Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Please don't give away my fajitas
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
