I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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