eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
