so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
