At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
