i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
