My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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