Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
