New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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