His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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