I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
