Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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