There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
