The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
