my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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