Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
