What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
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My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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