So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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