She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
