This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
