you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
