swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
