I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
