At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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