A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Terrible idea I love it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The adults are the big ones right?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
