There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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