my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
