we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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