too bad you live with your parents still
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
