when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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