I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
