I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
