im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
